June 10, 2008

Our youngest just completed her one year post-college internship. For months she’s been talking to us about where she will live and what she wants to do when she is on her own full time. We’ve listened, encouraged, coached, and given some advice when asked on resumes and interviews. For a while she vacillated as to where she would live: stay in Virginia or come back to Arkansas. All along we’ve told her we are for her, believe in her and will support her in whatever she chooses.

Last week she signed a lease with four other girls on a rental house. In Virginia.

When she called I told her I was glad for her and I was. Truly. It had become clear that she was probably staying so the announcement wasn’t really a surprise. But when I hung up the phone I had this sad realization that hung like a cloud over the rest of the day. She really wasn’t coming home. It was another empty nest moment: a further breaking away, another loss for me to absorb. With her name on the dotted line, she’s putting down roots on the east coast, a long sixteen hour drive from home.

I was just with her over the weekend. It was a treat to have her to myself for 24 hours. She’s delightful, such fun and full of energy. She makes me smile and laugh. As we drove to the airport, it seemed to me she wasn’t sad that our visit was over, even though I know she enjoyed our time. She was preoccupied with her upcoming interview and looking forward to hanging out with her friends that evening. This is all understandable, but still sad for me; another release point in parenting. And it’s good, it’s just that good isn’t always easy.

I miss her. I miss her needing me, wanting my advice. I miss the days of dependence. I relished the years when she lived at home since she was my last. College was an adjustment for me, but she was only 3 hours away and easily reachable. This independent on-her-own life in the big city is going to be a new adventure for her and another adjustment for me. She will do very well. But I wish I could be there. I long to watch, to share, to be a fly on the wall of her life.

Oh, how grateful I am to know God is in control, that He loves her more than I, that He understands my mother’s heart. He will always be with her. And how grateful I am for my relationship with my husband. Missing my kids makes me appreciate my marriage relationship all the more.